{One of the perks of vacation: being able to finally journal, read, etc. without distractions! Here's a bit about what I've been pondering during my quiet times...}
About a month ago, a dear friend's world was rocked by a miscarriage. It was the fourth woman I've know since December to lose an unborn child. Completely heart-wrenching. Coupled with a run-in with my neighbors who had just returned from an infant memorial service {the two year old had drown in the pool while his mother was home} and I have been internalizing, reflecting and thinking since. Not just on the surface or fear-level: like refusing to ever own a pool or making a commitment to keep all dangerous and hazardous paraphernalia away from my children. Or to refuse to embrace life the moment I found out it's been created either.
I guess, thinking more about perspective. God's perspective. Eternal perspective. This is one of the many attractive characteristics my girlfriends, Stef and Natalie, have. They just get it. And do such a great job of being vulnerable so they can share it with others and encourage them. Stef has been so open during the hurtful process of mourning and recovery. It's rare to see that kind of transparency and maturity. And it's beautiful. Most people, like myself, can easily open up AFTER the whole thing is said and done. When you're back on your feet. Feeling good. And all is right in your little world. That way, we're safe to only expose little parts of the nitty gritty without losing face.
When my favorite baby girl was 6 months old, Autumn fell and landed on her head. There was a period of several days where they had to wait to see just how bad the damage was. Life-threatening? Ability-threatening? That whole time, Natalie did not panic. She didn't self-blame or dwell in insecurity or guilt nor was she consumed with worry. She simply prayed and waited. During that time, she reminded me of what God's says:
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were non of them." {Ps 139: 13, 16}
Of course, what they went through was scary and there was a point when the nurse shared that their baby girl might not make it, before they did x-rays. But Nataile held fast to God's word. He had numbered Autumn's days even before her parents knew her gender or her name. There was nothing about this horrible situation that unnerved or surprised Him. I remember her husband also sharing the same perspective with me. That he was finding joy and closeness with the Lord amidst the nitty gritty. I was sad for them, but so encouraged by the way they handled the whole thing. It was evident that they had thick skin and a tender heart.
After hearing about the more recent losses of young life, I started asking myself questions. Did I hold that kind of perspective up higher than my limited perspective? Do I actively trust the Lord or do I rely on the health and stability of my family, children, or marriage to hold me up? Am I living as though I already have all the resources I need to face whatever sufferings this unstable life throws my way? Sure, I've had some horrible experiences, but what about the ones that rock my identity? My foundation? God never promises a comfortable life. Or even a happy one on this earth. The last bit of Psalm 139 came to mind...
"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if here be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" {v.23-24}
So yes, death, life, children, family, marriage, worry, doubt, fear, health, insecurity, long-suffering...all these things are in front of me on earth. Some are beautiful blessings while some I wish to avoid like the plague. But all point me back to Him. The good and perfect gifts along with the sadness from the Fall. Point me to my desperate need of a Savior who rescues, forgives, loves, and endures the hardships with me. My need for grace and the wonderful process he does of making me new.
I pray that He will continue to re-wire my thinking amidst suffering and change my perspective. That he will help me to "lay up for {myself} treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust {nor death} destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal." Because "where {my} treasure is, there {my} heart {security, identity, etc} will be also." {Matthew 6:19-21} And that He will help me be more transparent during those times of struggle and hardship...
Thick skin. Tender heart.
Thick skin. Tender heart.
....
Thick skin. Tender heart.
Thick skin. Tender heart.
....
5 comments:
I loved this post, Jess!! And I love you :-)
I too, love this post.
Thick skin, tender heart, what a wonderful way to live.
It's so easy to internalize and self pitty when things go south in our lives. 'This' way of thinking is a much healthier alternative. <3
The tragity of a loss of a baby/child or poor health in a child is one I will never understand.
I too have been too close these stories. Leaving me more thankful for the healthy children I have.
Love it, jess. In the past 6 months or so, i have been struggling with why god does what he does and why we are given the events/situations/circumstances in life that we are. I have had to rely heavily on the word, prayer and faith. Theres so much we just dont understand, but there is always a plan-we may not just see it yet.
I feel such a pit in my stomach reading these stories. Having something happen to one of my babies is one of my worst fears. When i am pregnant, i worry daily. I count all my kicks. Pay attention so closely. Every ultrasound, i hold my breath until we saw a heartbeat...even in the hospital....until all tests came back fine, i held my breath.
Wanna hear a miracle? A friend shared it at mops....you know all those things they test for with a newborn? They do the foot prick and test for every thing under the sun? Well, she got a call the day they came home from the hospital...her newborn boy had an incurable disease where his body was destroying itself and he would die within a week. There is nothing you can do. They went back in for more confirmation bloodwork--yup, he had it. They started praying and praying hard. They had everyone in their lives praying for them. He made it the week. Went back for more bloodwork-the disease was GONE. The doctors didnt belueve it. They were dumbfounded. This was nothing short of a miracle. That little boy is now healthy and energetic and 6 yrs old.
My gf said her and her husband hadnt been going to church, hadnt been praying and had totally lost their way. This was the jolt they needed to get their act together.
Crazy huh?! I sobbed for a good hour after hearing that story.
I hope your friends are ok and havent lost faith thru all this. I know when i go through something awful, i sometimes blame god. I feel some sort of betrayel, like how could he do this to me?!
Ill keep your friends in my prayers. What strong girls!
Thank you for writing this Jess. Obviously I can completely understand what your friend is going through. It is unbelievable the amount of people who have gone through the same thing lately. The pain can not be described. I give your friend so much credit for being so strong. I wish I could say the same for myself. I have learned over the past ten years with Steve that God does not give us more then we can handle. Sometimes I wonder why he thinks we are so strong :) Now that I am pregnant again, I wish I would have talked about what happened to me with more people. I think my story would have helped people. I wish I knew someone at the time who was going through the same thing as us. We felt very alone. We forget how important perspective is... Now that I am pregnant again people really don't know how I am still hurting from just a few months ago. At the end of the day, we have to trust everything will be ok and yes, we do have to deal with what is thrown our way... Thank you for sharing the strengths of your good friends. It gives me hope that other people with a similar story are really helping others and are staying so strong. I shared my story with a coworker this week only to find out she had just been through the same thing two weeks prior. God has a plan for all of us. I truly believe he doesn't give us more then we can handle. Thank you for being there for me through this tough time. xoxo
Tara- what an amazing story and that you got to hear it first hand--so powerful! totally got chills while reading it! And that's awesome that you're getting more involved in church, His word and prayer--those are really the nourishment we need and triple-so when facing harder times! it helps us to remember who we are and who God is when life throws us differing opinions about each!!
Erin- It totally is unbelievable how many women have been facing miscarriage that I know. And your story is so valuable and can STILL provide help and comfort for future women. I'm still in that process of learning that I'm free and secure in Christ to share my struggles WHILE I face them. It seems with each new battle that I have to re-learn that simple truth so that I am transparent.
I think the Enemy wants us to remain isolated in our hurt and pain so that we are more susceptible to His lies and remain powerless in our feelings of aloneness. And you are *so* right: He doesn't give us more than we can handle and at times I feel like He gives us way more credit that we can. ;)
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