It is Cold. It is Dreary. And My Heart Hurts.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

My heart is aching. It is basically torn to bits. I have been crying off and on throughout this week. Earlier in the week I got a call from Kevin, Kyle's dad. Kyle is the student I basically home-school, now that he's no longer at Foothill. I've mentioned the two boys here. Kyle's older brother was the one who earlier this fall was checked into drug rehab and had been out since Thanksgiving. 

Well, I learned from Kevin that Kelin passed away last week from a drug overdose. I was utterly floored. I spent the next few moments crying with his dad and ended the call. We went over earlier in the week to spend time mourning with the family. It is partly strange to me because I don't necessarily feel very close to the family. I don't completely understand why I'm so torn up by it. But I am with this family on a very regular basis. Both boys have played with Ezra. Kyle comes over on a weekly basis to cook for his culinary requirement. And I am privy to many details about the boys and what the mom has been going through for the last year and a half. She shares a lot with me. I guess when you rub shoulders so often, you end up living life together.

Today was his memorial service and I think I'll be going back to work with Kyle next week. It's just so hard to see the depth of this family's pain. That's when I break down the most. The hopelessness, fear, guilt, shame, what-ifs and if-onlys run deep. And they miss their boy. Their sweet sweet boy with his infectious humor. Perhaps that's another reason I'm so sad: he was once a little one year old boy too.

Or maybe because I too know what it's like to once be stuck in something so deep that it is affects your whole life and is easy to believe the lies of hopelessness with no healing or escape in sight. That kind of healing takes years with the help of God's beautiful grace and friends you can bare your soul to safely. Years that Kelin will never have. I'm at a lost for words to give the mom, so I just listen. Other than that and praying, I don't know what else I can offer. I wish I had more.

Anyway, I'm still processing through the whole mess. W has been such a help with letting me talk and giving me perspective so I don't get too swallowed by emotion. I'm somewhere on the spectrum of sad and depressed. Neither of those words really fit and I can't think of a better one to describe how I feel. Maybe sorrowful? Devastated?

So, if you are the praying type, please pray for this family and their deep wound. I don't know how a family gets over something like this. I've been praying for comfort, peace, and especially that they would allow the Lord into the deepest parts of their being to receive His healing. The kind of healing that takes many many years.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, 

   because the Lord has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
   and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair. 
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3

{emphasis mine}